its my birthday, well at least i think it is.

It's 9th of June 2020, on a Tuesday, 1256am, it's my birthday and here i am on my laptop trying to let words out here since this is the only place i can do it when i can't let it out to anyone else. Not my friends, siblings, anyone. I'm always in the middle, not too important or not too non-important to be left out either. I'd rather be someone not important, so i could not give a shit about anything that's happening.

I just came home, from a long journey of me and my siblings meeting our "potential pets". We had a great time despite my sister became moody in the end because she had a stomach ache haha. The cats were so cute and it numbed every pain i've ever felt for a moment. It's like seeing a new family member that's going to live with you, sleep, cuddle everything! Never had a cat, the fact that we were talking and discussing about it too feels so surreal. All my life i thought a cat was forbidden in this household because.... well the fur and everything? Or i don't know, just because?

Tomorrow, today in fact, a friend is coming by saying she wants to "surprise" me hahaha that's so sweet of her, even having the thought of it already makes me so thankful and wonder how i could have such friends.

But this sadness, this sadness that i've never been able to tell people about is....... I can't seem to find the word for it.

We came home, told mama and papa about the cats. Everyone was so happy and excited, i was on the brink of crying because my sister just made the deposit for the cat, signalling it's confirmed. I went to had my dinner, and my dad suddenly came out of the room with his phone case loose from his phone. "Mama nak cerai" he said. I was.... in shock. I couldn't stop saying "what the hell, what the hell, what the hell". I was completely mind fucked. A minute ago we were laughing and all happy, and now this? I'm confused.

I lost my appetite, stopped eating and started emptying the dining table. The next thing i knew, tears were running through my cheeks. I've never cried so quiet and so hard in such a long time. I couldn't remember the last time I did. It was painful. Very painful. Writing about this makes me tired of it. Constantly thinking "when will my family finally going to be happy?" on and on and on.

So this is my birthday present? Me crying while i was hanging the clothes, and continued in the shower until the clock strikes 12. I couldn't stop crying, it went on and on for nearly 2 hours. It was tiring, i am tired. So fucking tired.

My eldest sister just moved here as she just started working here and not in Seremban anymore. So basically, this is the first time we're staying as a complete family after, idk 12 years? or more? God knows, and suddenly this happens. It just had to be on my birthday huh :) it couldn't get any worse. I wish to not speak to anyone tomorrow honestly but i've made plans with my friends to teach her a topic on a subject, so that's another thing.

Mama came in my room after and said "Sorry qiss, mama lupa harini birthday qiss". Well, who does remember honestly. She asked for me to sleep with her tonight and i was just not in the mood to be with anybody. I just want my me time.  I'm honestly genuinely tired, mentally. I want a temporary shut down, but we ain't robots. Move on i guess? Yes. It's always easier said than done.